Hi Everybody,
Have you ever felt imbalanced, irrational, insecure, or vulnerable? Sometimes when our emotions run out of control it’s hard to regain control and balance. Other times you may feel so numb that you can’t figure out how you feel, or how to overcome it. This post is for you.
I read an interesting book The Courage To Trust by Cynthia L. Wall LCSW. It talks about how to develop trust in a relationship and teach healthy coping skills. The part of the book that stayed with me was when she spoke about the human psyche and how we are all divided into three streams of consciousness.
The reason this theory is meaningful is because it helps us interpret others, as well as aiding in very important self check ins. Both crucial in creating stability and emotional well being. Below I will break down each persona so at a moment of stress or upset you can do your own self check ins and get back on track.
- The Adult
The adult is us at our best and most emotionally healthy. The adult is calm, generous, rational, and aware. This is the persona that goes to work, pays taxes, helps others, and makes healthy decisions. This is the goal. When our adult is in charge you should feel confident and centered.
- The Child
The child is us at our most vulnerable and insecure. This persona frets about our looks, worries about getting fired or rejected, feels stress, shame, anxiety, and fear. The child looks for comfort and reassurance. They also have trouble seeing the big picture, or the light at the end of the tunnel. In a few moments I will teach you how to do your own self check in when your child is active. It is important to be aware of when the child is active. It is easier to overcome this persona than it is the protector.
- The Protector
Though this persona may seen like a good thing it’s actually very different. Whenever the child is active the protector steps in to sooth the child. It sounds nice but actually it’s goal is to numb the pain by any means necessary. The protector remembers every pain of the past but cares nothing for the future. When the child is in distress the protector steps in and reaches for the nearest numbing agent. This could be food, alcohol, drugs, one night stands, and other self destructive behaviors. When you experience self destructive or addictive behaviors the protector is running the show. It is also worth mentioning that the protector also engages in unhealthy conflict resolution. When the child feel anxious or rejected by a conflict the protector wants them out of the situation as soon as possible so it engages an unhealthy fight (raging, being defensive, abusive, violent) or flight( shutting down, leaving, refusing to talk) response.
Now that you have a better understanding I want to teach you the self check in method. If you wish to know more in depth you can check out the book. The real trick is to catch the child as soon as it shows up. When you feel that twinge of fear or insecurity that takes you off your stride. Here’s what to do.
- Take the logical approach
Are these fears and insecurities real? Are you worrying because of negative past experiences and trauma’s? Before you give in to your insecurities ask yourself these questions. Try to identify what triggered your child persona to arrive. Most of the time this alone will get you back on track. Remember the child just wants to be reassured. If you can rationalize the negative emotions you’ll calm the child.
- Talk to someone
If the logical approach didn’t work you may need an objective opinion. This can be a trusted friend or relative. If you don’t have anybody you feel comfortable with you could try journaling. The goal is to gain objectivity here so if that doesn’t help try your best to remove yourself from the situation by pretending you’re watching a movie about your life.
- Healthy Coping
If you are really dealing with a stressful situation try taking a walk, deep breathing, watching a movie or playing a game, aromatherapy, acupressure, dancing, and when you feel ready confronting the situation.
When you find yourself giving up, sleeping too much ,shying away from people , giving in to unhealthy habits, you protector is in charge. You are avoiding or numbing and if you ignore these signs you could be headed down a dangerous path. If you feel you are in this place it’s important to be aware as soon as possible so you can begin to make positive changes.
I hope this post was helpful to you. I have been in all of these stages at one time or another and it’s important to know that you can recover. Knowledge is power and being aware of what’s going on is a crucial part of healing and recovery.
<3 Jen